Cold Ash Mummers play script

SONG, OUTSIDE OF VENUE
God bless the master of this house,
We hopes he is within.
An' if he is, praay tell us so
An' we ull soon begin.

CHORUS:
With a hey dum dum,
With a hey dum dum,
With a hey dum dum de derry.
For we be come this Christmas time
A purpose to be merry.

I hopes the mistress is within
An' settin' by the fire
A pityin' we poor mummers yer
Out in the cold and mire.

CHORUS

We dissant come yer but once a year
An' hopes 'tis no offence
An if it is praay tell us zo
An we ull zoon go hence.

Ladies and Gentlemen. spectators all,
I hope you are willing to hear the royal act.
We are all young hands we never act before,
We do the best we can, we cannot do no more.
So step in old Father Christmas from the door.

In comes I, poor old Father Christmas
Welcome or welcome not,
I hope poor old Father Christmas
Will never be forgot.
For in this house there shall be shown
The greatest battle that ever was known,
Between King George and the Turkish Knight.

In comes I, King George's Man,
I am come here to let you understand
The meaning of our play,
For I'll quickly lead the fighting men this way.
Walk in King George.

In comes I, King George,
That man of courage bold
With my sword of old England
I won ten thousand pounds in gold.
I fought the fiery dragon I brought him to a slaughter,
And by these means I won
The King of Egypt's daughter.
If any man dare step in this room tonight,
I'll hag him, I'll gag him, I'll let him for to know
That I'm King George of England before I let him go.

In comes I that bold Turkish Knight,
I've come to England for to fight.
And fight I will before I go
To make King George's blood run cold,
For if his blood run hot I'll quickly make it cold.
For my head is made of iron,
And my body's made of steel,
I'll tie him to my huckle bones
Before I leave this night.

Ha! ha! my little fellow, Thou talkest very bold,
Just like some of these Turkish Knights I've oft been told.
Pull out your purse and pay,
For I'll make thee pay thy bill.

No purse will I pull out, Nor no money will I pay,
But I'll fight thee on the battle field,
Battle to battle betwixt you and me,
To see which on the ground shall lie.

Thou villain, thou villain, what hast thou done?
Thou hast ruined me of my only son,
Now lies bleeding on the ground.

In comes I, iddy, iddy octor
Can't say doctor, therefore I must say iddy iddy octor.
I am here, Sir, there Sir, all over the world, Sir.
I've been to England, Scotland, Ireland and Dover.

I don't go about like one of those quick quake doctors.
I go about for the good of my Country, Rather kill than cure.

I'm here to cure all ills, aches and pains.
The hich, the tich, the palsy and the gout,
Pains within and pains without.
Any old woman that's got the mumps
Bring her to me, and I'll fetch out her stumps.
Been dead ten years, in her coffin eleven, buried twelve;
Give her some flip flop, shake up in her tip top,
She will maintain life for ever.
I carry a bottle by my side called cold and frosted drops.
One drop on the man's tongue,
And another on the roof of his mouth, and he shall maintain life for ever.

Here, old man, have a drop of my flip flop
And I shall shake it up in your tip top,
And you shall maintain life for ever.

In comes I, little Johnny Jack,
With my knapsack on my back.
Out of eight there is but five,
All the rest is starved alive.
Roast beef, plum pudding, who likes better than I,
And old Father Christmas?

Here comes I as ain't been yet.
Girt big head and little wit.
Me head's so big me wit's so small,
I brought me devil to please you all.

Last am I old Beelzebub
And over my shoulder I carry my club
And in my hand a dripping pan
Don't you think I'm a jolly old man?
Our sport is done, you may think us funny
Ladies and gentlemen, please fill our hats with money
The hats are dumb and cannot speak
So I say fill them full, for Saint George's sake.

We've merry here my boys
And we've been merry there.
A pint of grog to please us all
For bringing Christmas cheer.

CHORUS With a hey dum dum, etc

We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year.